by: E.B. Johnson
Our romantic partners can make a huge difference when it comes to how we see ourselves and the world around us. Boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands and partners offer us everything from emotional support to companionship, but it is possible to find ourselves giving little pieces away until we’re compromised past the point of return.
We’re often told that “
true love” entails surrendering our power to another person, but healthy relationships are more about exchange — rather than one-sided compromise. Learning how to stand on your own means coming to understand the things that are worth standing up for, and establishing the boundaries that help us to thrive. If you want a relationship that lasts, learn how to stand on your own and stop compromising the things that matter most.
Relationships as a piece of who we are.
Relationships are powerful, and they have the ability to add or detract from our lives depending on how they are built. When we come into our relationships with equity and understanding, we can find ourselves in mutually beneficial experiences that help us both to grow. When we find ourselves in
one-sided or imbalanced relationships, however, we can find ourselves living in fear and giving away little pieces of ourselves.
We primarily compromise ourselves in our relationships out of a feeling of fear. This fear can manifest itself in many ways and in many different forms. Sometimes it comes from a fear of being unlovable, or a fear of losing our partner and being alone forever. However it manifests, it’s a negative experience that can cause us to give away our power out of some sense of security.
Compromising ourselves almost always stems from the e
xperiences of our pasts and the childhoods we had, but it can also occur as a result of recent experiences that cause you to become fearful in some way. It’s almost a strange form of self-protection, but it plays out much more like sabotage in the long run. If you want to avoid compromising yourself, you have to get to know yourself — and you have to get to know the signs that you’re giving away more than you should.
The things our partners should never ask us to compromise on.
No matter how much you love someone, and no matter how hard life might get — there are
certain things that our partners should never ask us to compromise on. These things are critical pieces of who we are, and give us the meaning and direction that keeps us motivated and strong. If your partner is asking you to give these things up or bury them away — beware. Some things in this life aren’t up for auction.
Life goals
No matter what they may be, our partners should never ask us to sacrifice or compromise our
longterm goals and dreams. These goals are important, and they can serve as critical milestones on our journey to ultimately realize who we are. If a partner asks you to give up on ideas of a family, a career, or any other “big ticket dream” that is important to you — they’re asking too much.
Personal beliefs
Our personally held beliefs are also an important part of who we are, and can go a long way to guide us through the adverse and chaotic facets of life. These beliefs can include everything from our religion to
our political convictions(and whether or not we believe in Santa Claus). It doesn’t really matter how out there or wacky your beliefs might be. As long as they don’t hurt anyone else, you have a right to hold them and your partner should support that.
Self-worth
Self-esteem is what helps us get up in the morning, and it’s the facet of our personality that holds our hand when times get tough. It can do everything from encourage us to go after our dreams, to safeguarding our wellbeing against the attacks of others. When you partner asks you to compromise that confidence and that strength, it’s definitely a sign that’s it time to reassess your relationship and take a second look at things between you.
Friends and family
The loved ones that make up our support networks outside of our relationships are extremely valuable. They provide a shot of perspective to us, and can bolster us and encourage us when things go wrong. They give us another way to see the world, and our partners should encourage us to spend time (both physically and emotionally) with our family
and friends. When it becomes a “them or me” scenario, your partner is asking you to compromise too much…and most likely for the wrong reasons.
Basic respect
We all deserve equality and respect, and that’s especially true when it comes to our romantic relationships. Our partnerships are only as good as what both partners bring to the table. If one partner holds all the power, and uses it to
belittle and demean the other, you’re not in a partnership. The dominance of one partner over the other destroys our sense of self and limits the relationship by limiting on partner to the worst parts of themselves.
Lines and limits
Our boundaries are a critical part of who we are, and without them we can find ourselves dealing with a number of soul-wrenching heartaches. Boundaries include not only the behavior and treatment that we expect from our partners and spouses (or other people around us); they also include our deal breakers, or bottom lines that can’t be crossed — no question. Our partners should respect those boundaries, and never ask us to compromise them…especially for their own selfish desires.
Personal safety
Personal safety is a big one, but it’s not always one we consider when we’re thinking about compromise in our relationships. If you partner is asking you to engage in behaviors or activities that compromise your personal sense of safety and security, then they are pushing things too far. When we truly love someone, we seek to make them feel more secure not less secure. So
be aware when the line is being crossed.
Authentic presence
Authenticity is a crucial step in finding happiness in this life. We should be able — at all stages in this life — to
be who we are, without fear of judgement and without having to shift or change the facets of our personality which we like. A partner who asks you to cover up parts of yourself or conceal them away is someone who is intimidated by authenticity, and not to be trusted.
Signs you’re already compromising more than you should.
Compromise is a part of life but it’s not about winner and losers. True compromise is all about giving and taking in unison. It’s about figuring out a middle way to make things work while still keeping hold of your integrity and authenticity. If you’re giving away too much, there are some
serious red flags that you shouldn’t ignore.
Second-guessing everything
One of the biggest signs that you might be compromising too much is a habit of second-guessing everything you do. You don’t know who you are anymore, and because you don’t know who you are, you aren’t able to effectively make the right decisions in your life. When confronted with a difficult choice, you run to your partner (or run the other way) and
avoid taking the action you need to take by shifting the responsibility to someone else.
Disconnect with passions
Have you stopped doing the things you love? Do you feel as though your partner has forced you out of the pastimes that once brought you joy? When we stop doing the things we love, or thee
things that inspire passion, it caan be a major red flag and sign that our partner or spouse is asking too much of us. On a personal level, we need these things to inspire us and keep us motivated. As they bring us joy, they are something our other halves should encourage us to pursue.
Lost sense of self
When we
compromise ourselves too much in a relationship, it can cause us to lose all sense of identity and personal value. Little by little, we lean more aand more on our partners, until we don’t know who we are without them. Forced into situations of individual decision, you lose all sense of direction, and feel panicked and isolated beyond repair. Giving away too much of yourself can cause you to lose yourself in horrible and hard-to-reverse ways.
Inability to meet needs
Relying too much on someone else, or giving too much of yourself away, can lead to an inability to meet your own needs.
Manipulative or abusivepartners that slowly chip away at you through compromise eventually assume all the control in the relationship. Soon, you find yourself looking to them for everything from affection to self-esteem, and you become crippled and unable to meet even the most basic of your own desires or needs.
Constant resentments abound
If you’ve come to
majorly resent your partner, but you can’t quite put your finger on the “why”, it may be a sign that you’re compromising yourself. Even when we give our power away subconsciously, our natural instinct fights against this trading of power in an effort to self-preserve. The more your partner asks of you, the more you come to resent your partner because of the loss of power they represent. This resentment boils to the surface and can push you away to happier (more self-determined) shores.
Steps we can take to protect our personal power right now.
Learning how to cut the compromises short is hard, but not impossible. If you’re someone that shares more than they should, learn how to stick up for yourself by beginning to see the value of your presence and the value of your authentic self. Set some boundaries by using these technique, and get honest about what you need from a partner in order to feel as though the relationship is worthwhile.
1. Get intimate with your emotions
Our emotions are an important piece of the puzzle and often tied into the exchanges of power we share with our partners. When we embrace our emotions, we empower ourselves to see the world for what it is. A healthy dose of reality, facing up to our emotions can also move us to places of strength and assist us in better understanding why we give up so much of who we are.
Get up close and personal with your emotions and start facing up to the way you’re feeling.
Journalling and meditation are a great way to start this process, and are also a safe way to express yourself without fear or judgement. Spend a few quiet moments each day just thinking through the big events, or the things that made you feel happy or sad
.
Embrace your emotions honestly, and give them name. Set a time limit, and allow yourself to really dig into those emotions for that set amount of time. When that time is over, however, pull back and release that emotion back into the ether. Note how it made you feel and note (from a detached, third-party place) how that emotion then made you react. Repeat this practice over and over until you no longer shy away from all of your emotions, or they no longer have impulsive control over you and the way you react to your environment.
2. Establish solid boundaries
Empowered by becoming familiar with your emotions, you can then move on to naming and claiming your boundaries. Boundaries are a critical part of building the life we want and the relationships that bring us joy. They define everything from the way we make decisions, to the way we conduct ourselves within a romantic partnersihps. They’re everything, but when we drop those boundaries or allow someone to take advantage of them — we can
find ourselves lost and struggling to find meaning.
Once you know how you feel about the world around you, you can start to get active about establishing the boundaries that help to mitigate those emotions. Boundaries protect us, so think up some protective boundaries that might be important to you. Consider what you want from your partner, and what lines are absolutely unacceptable to cross. Consider only your feelings in this decision, and leave everyone else out of it.
It’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t about making other people comfortable. Our boundaries are meant to protect us, like the fencing around “open pastures” keep threats away from livestock. Think about yourself, and think about the things you need to be happy. What gives you the most joy from your friendships? Your partnerships? Expect those things from everyone around you and stop making exceptions for the comfort and enjoyment of other people.
3. Start taking responsibility for your feelings
Being familiar with your emotions and taking responsibility for them are two very different things. Emotions can be powerful and scary, and even when we know them for what they are it can be hard to voice them or stand up for them. This comes down to the emotions of others too, however, and the fear around their emotional responses that we have to learn how to release.
Start taking responsibility for your own emotions, and stop leaving them to the mercy of your partner or your spouse. If something makes you sad or angry, voice it, but don’t expect the other person to respond or make changes in order to accommodate your comfort.
We are in charge of the way we feel. Even if the behavior of another person injures us, it is up to us to take the necessary steps to correct that emotion. Just because someone
makes us angry does not entitle us to that anger for life. We have to stop compromising ourselves and the way we feel and start getting proactive about creating lives (and relationships) we feel good about.
4. Be familiar with your values
Our values are a critical piece of who we are, because they guide what we believe, and they impact how we see ourselves and how we behave and react in the world around us. Values mean a lot, and they provide a lot of structure to our lives. Only when we honor their importance and apply them — honestly — to our lives can we begin the growth processes we so desperately seek.
Get better at standing up for yourself by getting back in touch with your values.
Value triggers are one great way to start this process, and an easy way to get more confident about standing up for what matters to us.
Start simply, by changing the background on your phone to something that inspires you or stimulates your emotions in a positive way. Positivity Post-it’s are another great way to
keep the momentum going, and remind yourself of things that matter in this life and the things you’re not willing to compromise on. Fill your life with little things and trinkets that tie into the person you want to be, or the behavior you want to exhibit. Refer to them often.
5. Free your self-worth
Confidence is key in creating the life you want, but it’s something that can get worn away over time. When we lose ourselves in constant compromise with our partners, it can cause us to rely on them for
any sliver of self-worth, and it can make it even more impossible to see ourselves as independent, capable and sovereign individuals in our own lives.
Close your eyes and clear your head for 10–15 seconds. Then, speak out loud the first 10 words that come to mind about yourself. Don’t hold back, and don’t think about it too much. What came out? Were you even able to say 10 things? Were they mostly good or mostly bad? Did any of them mention your partner? Or tie into the life that you share with them?
Notice the
negative words or phrases you use in relation to yourself, and notice too any reliance you might be placing upon your partner for that worth. Only when we learn how to be happy within ourselves can we learn how to be happy with someone else. When we value ourselves, we know there’s no need to compromise the things that truly matter.
6. Sever ties with your victimhood
Spending a long time giving up your power can
perpetuate a state of victimhood that is truly toxic and self-destructive. Though we might be the victims of omeone who took advantage, victimhood is a state of “poor me” that eliminates all personal responsibility while also removing us from the game of life. While you might think that playing up your victimhood will lead to resolution — it won’t. It will remove even more power of choice from your life and strip you further of any sense of self and purpose.
Stop being the victim and
start getting proactive about manually creating and attracting the things you want in this life. Let go of the mistakes, but cling to the lessons. Stand up for yourself and stop letting other people dictate how your days and weeks are going to be spent on this earth.
We decide how we want to feel each and every day. We are the ones who make the decision to be sad or the decision to be happy, and we do that by taking action and accepting responsibility for the quality of our lives. Don’t compromise anymore of the things that you want from this life. If you want to be happy, go take the action that you (as an individual) need to be happy…free of your partner’s wishes or desires. Stop giving up the things that are critical to who you are, and start being the hero in your own story each and every day.
Putting it all together…
Compromise is important in a relationship, but when does it go too far? If our partners are asking us to sacrifice important pieces of ourselves or bury our authenticity down deep, it’s a sign that something isn’t quite what it seems. Healthy and happy relationships are equal ones, but that’s something that takes an equal amount of work from both parties; and stepping up to the plate for our own needs.
Start by embracing the way you feel and the complex and tangled emotions that can cause you to shy away or give up power. When we start taking responsibility for the way we feel, it makes it easier to stand up to the people who are asking too much of us. Establish solid boundaries and don’t feel bad for sticking to them. We all deserve to be respected, and that includes respecting the things that are important to us. Let your values guide you, and create a picture of self-wort that is independent of the one you’ve defined with your partner. No one can take our power from us. We make the conscious choice to give it away by compromising ourselves. Stop being the victim in your own life and start being the hero. You are the only one with the power to give you the things you need, so take care of yourself and leave the rest where it lies.
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